what a strange turn of events.

If someone would have told me a year ago that August 2009 you'll be living with Esteban and his mom Cheryl in a 3 bedroom apartment, I would have laughed in their face. But now it seems that just exactly what is going to be happening.

I think this might need a bit of explaining...

as of June 30th, I talked with Hali & Jacob they have yet to save anything for moving. Nor had I, thanks to being sick with the stomach flu for nearly two weeks. So out of panic, anxiety of running out of time, options and losing possible help from mom. I suggested renting this place. Mom offered to pay the deposits to get us in and then we'd pay her back of course. Well Hali pretty much freaked out.. "I thought we were looking at renting a house.. If I'm going to be living in an apt I might as well stay where I'm at." I told her "okay.." Plus I guess her and Jacob just broke up for the 762nd time, so they don't know if he'll be moving in too. Too much drama and crap I don't want to deal with..

Mom had suggest rooming with Cheryl, prolly a month or two ago. I never really seriously thought about it.. but once I decided I wanted this apartment.. (we went to look at it today! I love it even more!) I said "hey mom, let's see if Cheryl wants to rent it with me." She had been talking about moving out of the trailer she's living in with another family and this would be perfect. Cheryl talked to her boyfriend, he said that he did not want to move. She told him "Well I'm moving regardless, Esteban is coming to live with me in August and we cannot all live in ONE room!!" Mom and I called, made an appointment to view the apartment today, filled out the application. They'll start processing it tomorrow. Since it's a 12 plex and there are 3 apartments available currently they are anxious to rent, so they are completely willing to work with us and get us in there! Once approved we sign the lease August 1st and get the keys!!!

It's a bottom floor unit with a small fenced backyard. Washer and dryer!!!! 3 beds, 1 large bath for $825 with g/w/s included. Baby and I will share a room - the master. Cheryl will finally get to have her own room. Esteban and Miguel will get the third room! I'm excited. Aside from the washer and dryer, I'm mostly excited to actually have a bedroom DOOR! Waking up to see my stove has gotten very old after TWO years! Plus they are pretty open to painting decorating.. so I think after spending years living with white walls... it's time to add a little color!

I think this will be a good thing.. and I'll get to see Esteban and his little brother Miguel EVERYDAY! ;D

the break up.

wednesday April 8th, 2009 just before 1am. mancub's phone kept receiving texts / phone calls. This had been going on for nearly two hours. I finally had enough and said "WHAT is so important that I need to be woken up repeatedly?" 1 of his friends was trying to get a hold of another friend, another of his friends was looking for vicodin and the 3rd person sells the vicodin. The fight wasn't really about much. Mainly everything just came to a head.. and some things were said that were taken wrong. "we're done." most importantly.

later that evening he brought up the fight. He said he didn't mean "we're done" in that way, just that we were done fighting. He then asked what I meant.. I told him "I don't know."

By Thursday 9th night I had it figured out. I'm done. I don't want any part of this relationship any longer. I believe it's best to end it. I didn't get to see him until monday 13th because of our work schedules. I had the boys over that day and didn't want to get into it. So I just waited it out another day. Tuesday he got home at 7pm and I just said it flat out "You aren't going to like this. I've had time to think about our fight last week and I believe it's best if we go our separate ways." He agreed saying that he's felt the same way for about he past month.

The next day (yesterday 15th) I went out to lunch with Carrie. When I returned home he informed me that his dad was going to take him driving and wanted to know if I had $2.50 he could borrow to get out to lakewood. I was kind of taken by surprise because I didn't think he would leave so quickly. I guess he truly does believe this should be over as well. He also said he would be back monday to switch the storage unit into his name and more than likely be moved out by the 30th of this month. wow.

with that.. I am single and now knocked up. heh. I'm not upset actually. We are so completely different it is nearly impossible to make it work. And I think if we both heal from the past few months, can return to our state of friendship that we both have wonderful things to offer. As a team we don't work, plain and simple. I don't plan to ask for child support or even any help. If he offers I will accept of course but I don't expect anything from him. I have accepted responsibility for my actions and truthfully I want this baby more than anything else right now.

Anyway.. last night I sent him a text asking if he got to drive. "no... I couldn't get a hold of my dad when I got here. now I'm drinking ... so no driving for me" The only way he can ever deal with life, it's problems and stress is with a bottle or drugs of some kind. This is one of the biggest reasons why I could no longer be with him. He will ALWAYS have issues with addiction. And I don't want a life around that.

Now I just wait for time to pass and see where life takes me.

yep.

As of February 27th, 2009 my hcg levels (pregnancy hormones) had reached zero. Meaning the miscarriage was complete and my period should return soon. Which it did.. my last period was March 11th, 2009. I expected my next period to come around April 8th, 2009. It got to be the 10th and I had my suspecions. I woke Friday morning, took a test. Waited. Then after a few minutes - BINK "pregnant"! My inital thought was "REALLY!?" and I started laughing. My second thought was, what am I going to tell mancub?! I decided that it is best to wait it out until I am 12 weeks or so along to ensure everything is okay with the baby. So far I've told mom, carrie and a couple people at work. I am extremely excited and all I can hope is that this is meant to be! I scheduled my first appointment for May 5th, 2009, if all goes well I'll be nearly 8 weeks. And this little one is due around mid-december.

Hoppy Easter!

Since I was working on sunday we decided it would be best to wait until monday / tuesday to celebrate easter.. that way we could get easter basket goodies half off! It worked out quite well..

Kyle mixing the egg dye.

PINK EGGS!

Kyle, Esteban and Lacye eggs!

all the pretty colors...

I got up during the night to prepare the kids baskets, mancub didn't even know I had done it! So he really thought some easter bunny magic had occurred.





Happy Easter!

Playing with the plastic eggs is always the best part!

Mom came over to pick up the boys after her doctor's appointment. Around 1pm we had easter lunch! Homemade potato salad (mom's ALWAYS make the best), pork chops, garlic bread and side salad. It's making me hungry just thinking about it! I enjoyed my first easter with the boys.

A day at the park!

I've been a little behind in posting so I'd like to catch up a bit. Hopefully I'll keep this dang blog up to date!

Monday April 6th was the hottest day of the year thus far. SEVENTY DEGREES! Mancub and I took the littles to the park nearby.

Bunny getting so BIG!!

All of us, walking the trail.

Playing on the Horse! He loved it!

In the big toy...

Bunny fell asleep on the way home.

What's a Bunny without ears?!?

Then he got a bath and hair cut.. of course he found his favorite thing in the world.. SOCKS! He loves to eat them!

That was all for our day! I enjoyed the short lived sunshine & heat but I know it'll be back soon!

My little love!

Esteban Jesus commonly known as Bunny. He's been with us since June 13th, 2008, just a few days over five months old. On his second day he rolled over for the first time and has shared many, if not all of his firsts with us. Eating solids, doing his military crawl (making us believe he'd never get up on all fours!), to actually crawling and this tuesday he shared one of the biggest moments of his short life with me.



I was putting in Wall-E for Kyle to watch. I look down at my feet, Esteban is standing up all on his own with a HUGE grin! So proud that he could just raise up on to his two feet. He kept practicing, I started washing the dishes.. And thought "HEY maybe I can get him to take a couple steps... " I went to him, stood about 3 feet from him with my arms out and he started taking steps towards me! He got about 4 or 5 then fell down.. the entire time smiling and laughing. We all laid down for a nap. Around 6pm Mancub was home from work and Esteban immediately went on to show him is new accomplishment. Then it dawned on me "I need to record this!!" With out further ado, Little Bunny on his first day of walking!



I love this little boy like my very own. Someday I hope to adopt him if things go sour with his birth mother, but until then I enjoy each and every moment with him. ♥

wishing.

I wish I could figure out a way to make millions.
I wish I could find the perfect red lipstick.
I wish that I lived somewhere where flowers bloomed year round.
I wish I could model.
I wish I could have more self control.
I wish that all the good things in life, really were free.
I wish I could maintain a vegan diet.
I wish I could buy my mother a house.
I wish that tomorrow wasn't saturday.
I wish I could decorate my home without the worry of cost.
I wish I could create all the beautiful things I have in my mind.
I wish that one day we do find some sort of world peace or at least harmony.
I wish I could still be pregnant.
I wish I could stop wishing.

Day One.

everyone has a day one. birth, school, work, weight loss... whatever it may be there is always a first day. Today is my first day in my weight loss journey. Not only am I aiming to lose 59 pounds. I want to build healthier eating habits that will last a lifetime. I've been on numerous diets over the last 9 years... I don't want that. Lose x amount of weight be happy with myself temporarily and then go back to eating poorly. I want to make a permanent change.
I am going to go back to my vegetarian ways. I have been vegetarian off and on since I was 12. I know that sounds like.. well I don't really know what that sounds like. I've mainly gone back to eating meat because it was easier living in a 2 person household. I eat meat for convenience, though it goes completely against my morals. I'm a hypocrite, I'm human. I have no excuses. Firstly I am going to cut out beef = cow. I still have some chicken & pork in my freezer and since we are in no position to be throwing out food. I will consume those and that'll be it for my life as an omnivore.
I'd like to eventually become vegan. I don't often eat eggs. I do however consume cheese and other dairy products. I'm just going to take it one step at a time.
So this is it. I've done well so far today. My biggest issues are portion sizes and general overeating. I've started measuring out all of my food, so that I can keep myself at 1400 calories a day. And I've started walking. I will do this daily. My hope is that is will become habit, second nature and it won't be so tough later down the road.

and for kicks.. here's lacye march 2006 thru march 2009.

writers block.

mom's birthday is tomorrow. we celebrated today since I work all day. I found an awesome 10 photo frame and filled it with family photos of over the last year. Baked her a chocolate cake with vanilla cream cheese frosting, spent the day hanging out.

I've been stricken with a terrible head cold this week, it's doing a number on my emotions. Along with the return of my period. I've been a big ball of mess. Which lead me to my decision to run away to Gramma's house for a few days next week, to attempt to clear my heart and head. The Ocean is the best place for me to do that. Plus endless games of spite and malice always help.

There really isn't anything else for me to say. I think I'll be on my way. ;)

Mom is bringing Bunny over! I haven't seen him since February 19th! I'm excited and we get to spend the whole day together tomorrow. side note: I am quite hungry. It's been snowing off and on all weekend, along with today. poop.. where did the sun go? I painted my nails once again. Red! I've painted them more times this year than I have in prolly the last two years and it's only been twice. I'm thinking I'll keep up with it because they look much nicer and it makes me feel a tiny bit more girly. ;D Mancub will be home too soon.. he's on a bus right now, I hope. I cleaned up a lil today and have just been wasting my life away on the internet. ha. This is why I need a second job, so I can get paid and not spend all week bored. It wasn't so bad when I was helping mom out but now that has ceased I don't have much to do. I wish that I had the funds to do more crafts and what not.

well he's here! <3

*sighs*

I love that I have Forty Cents in my bank account.

I certainly should be sleeping!

All the furkids are! And I do have to wake at 4:40am to then work sixteen hours! With the same routine sunday. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.. I am I still just like to gripe.

So the grand finale of my laziest week ever, you ask? I did laundry and applied for another three part time positions. Bringing the grand total to TEN applications I've submitted. So far I haven't heard a word back from any of 'em! grr. I'm hoping next week will be my lucky week! I really am not sure how the bills are going to get paid this month. Rent is taken care of thankfully! I'm mostly worried about car / insurance. Everything else will just have to wait until I get a full paycheck (March 25th, hopefully without any cut days) to be taken care of. Oh money.. how I loathe money.

Mom and Mancub's birthday are coming up next weekend both on the 14th. I have mom's present almost all together. Mancub on the other hand, might just end up with some cupcakes until funds are better. Hey! I'm still waiting on my tea kettle! A friend from work said she'll take me next payday to get a new piercing for my late birthday gift! How sweet and wonderful, I certainly hope it all pans out. Her birthday is on the 20th. What should I get / do for her?! Then April 2nd is my lil brother's 5th birthday! And 10 days later Easter! My all these birthdays / holidays!! They don't seem to end.. hee hee. Speaking of my littlest brother who's one, he just got himself a new little brother wednesday. I don't know the full details yet considering he is my foster sibling and we hear everything through the social worker. But he got to see his birth mother and new brother this morning. ;D

Speaking of Bunny (lil' brother.. nickname!) I went around seeing if new baby has been posted on the hospital website yet. And discovered Bunny's Hospital Photos were still in the system. So I saved them, they'll be a wonderful addition to his scrapbook, whenever I start it! I might add a page for his new brother too, if the photos aren't watermarked.

Hm... what else? Oh I found out today that my cousin is stationed in Germany with one of my childhood friends and her husband under his command (or something like that) What a small small world! In which I called mom and told her about.. I guess we're finally back to talking after nearly 3 weeks. She still hasn't apologized and honestly I don't think she will. But I miss Bunny more than words can express.. so I guess I'm done being stubborn. I just want to see him again.

Next week I have to work like a madwoman to complete this stupid knitting project (scarf) that I have been working on nearly a year! I want to give it to mom... but it's taking for effing ever! I think my next project will be something small.. like a sock!

okie, goodnight ♥

It seems life has come to a screeching halt. This entire week we've done nothing but watch movies and season sets of One Tree Hill. Now I certainly am not complaining, but I am sure if I wasn't completely broke I would have found something, ANYTHING to do!

I have however found I think the best "diet" that will work very well with my current habits and be a nice transition into weight loss! 1400 cals basically everything minus the veggies we normally have in our house. All I really need to work on is my portions and not eating cereal for every meal. ha. Though.. we need to go grocery shopping like you wouldn't believe! So until then I'm stuck eating pasta and junk. I honestly think with this and starting up my walking again. I can drop this weight. I went from 175 to 215 from last summer until now, that's forty pounds in roughly eight months. And the last 15 of those pounds have jumped on since the beginning of this year! It frightens me. It also is cause for not wanting to leave the house, hang out with friends that haven't seen me in months and so forth. I need to change this.

Plus I stock piled on summer clothes when kohls was having a giant clearance sale during the holidays. I'd really like to be able to wear those and be comfortable with my body.

I'm having trouble coming up with something, anything to write about. Life has been pretty.. dull as of recent. I'm thinking I need to make my way out into the world and enjoy some of this sunshine we're having! It's been nearly a year since I've been to the park. I should take molly for a walk down there. I think it would be good to soak in some vitamin d, naturally. Plus I certainly can use the exercise. I've gained an alarming fifteen pounds since the start of the year. That still baffles me.
I dyed my hair (black!) and painted all twenty of my nails (killer queen aka sparklyish eggplant) yesterday. Then proceeded to watch six episodes of one tree hill with boyfriend-o.

On the agenda today...

• laundry
• pick up apartment. dishes & vacuum
• pay rent
• continue filling out applications for second job

I really don't feel like doing ANYTHING! But I better... okay. This is incredibly boring and not even worth reading!

doctor, doctor

It seems that I have been to more doctor's appointments and have had my blood drawn more times so far this year than I have in my entire life altogether!
I had a visit with my primary to fill her in on the miscarriage, request to resume taking zoloft and check my HCG levels along with my thyroid antibodies. My mother has an autoimmune disease called Hashimotos that I could very well have it myself. It's is actually pretty difficult to diagnose without prior reason, since the condition is rare in itself. So I requested for them to check and see, mainly just for peace of mind. The day of the miscarriage my hcg levels were at about 1500. It's been two weeks since I passed the embryo, so I'm curious to know if I've hit >5 yet. As much as I don't want my period (a certainty that the pregnancy is over) I would like to resume life and possibly try again in the future.
I indulged myself in a little bit of retail therapy there after... mainly my comforts. New notebooks, pens, chocolate, hair dye and a couple other small finds from my favorite thrift store.
Work called to inform me that I do not have to come in tomorrow morning due to low census. Which completely blows seeing as I've already missed forty something hours this month. But what can you do.. *shrugs* I will not miss a single day in march. That's a promise!

the month of february.

I've taken for granted what it is to be loved. It has been many years since I have been genuinely loved, romantically of course. Last night he said to me, as he has said before " Let's Elope" I always respond with "No, no today." It isn't that I don't want to get married or be married to him. But if I am to be married one day, I want the whole kit 'n kaboodle, engagement and a wedding. Nothing big, just a small ceremony with our closest family and friends. In January when I found out I was pregnant, the first thing mom asked "Are you going to get married now? Because of the baby?" "No, of course not if I am going to get married I am going to because I feel in my heart it is true." I know this is true love. What I am having trouble understanding is why I cannot give my heart to him. Am I not ready? I know in the past I have been hurt greatly when I had my whole heart in the game, self preservation? I do know for sure, it's not fair for him. I have such a great deep ocean of love that he should be able to plunge headfirst into if he desires. I always stop him halfway.

After lights out last night, we talked as I'm sure most couples do before sleep. In the dark hours were souls can be bared without hesitation. He has been worrying about my well being since the miscarriage, I was stuck on go go go for almost a full two weeks taking care of everyone around me. Then the fight with mom. We talked a little about those things, and how my head is doing. I mentioned something about our kitten acting like a Baby Yak. I said "I want a baby yak." He said some things that I'll leave out because they might be embarrassing. Basically he's not able to make baby yaks.. ;) I had been waiting all day to ask this, it had been sitting on the edge of my tongue, I just hadn't the opportunity to bring it up without startling him. "Well then can we have a baby?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah, sure. We already done did once." Since the pregnancy had been a surprise, by how much I'm not really sure since we weren't really using protection. We had thrown the idea around a few times and decided to leave it up to if it happens it happens. I know that he wanted children from the time that we met, but like everyone when do you know you're ready? Just to be able to have that conversation and know that if it happens again it is "planned" and wanted.

Yesterday was two weeks since I passed our gummy bear. I still feel empty. Though sometimes I catch myself thinking about names, how I want decorate the nursery, birthing.. typical things I was thinking while pregnant like I'd never went throught the loss and everything is fine. Denial.

Today I was watching a music video Bright Eyes - First day of my life the image of the pregnant woman with the headphones on her belly brought me to tears. Just think if your first born had been a miscarriage, all the things you've seen, all the firsts, all the sleepless nights, the scribbled color crayon drawlings. Those are all things I'll never get the chance to experience. It definitely is tougher than I had ever thought and never expected I would have to experience. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, thirteen was the first age I actually remember saying "I want to be a mom someday." And I know that this one loss doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Just the way people say "Maybe next time." Or my personal favorite "Better luck next time." Like we just lost a baseball game. I know it's because it's a sensitive subject, they don't know what to say, how to comfort. And to be honest I've been in that postion before when a friend had a miscarriage a few months ago. But then I think to myself.. I would be 10w1d today. I wonder how my little one is growing. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I am going to start on antidepressants again. I am hoping that'll help me get through the process a little easier.

I've decided...

that I need another blog.
Currently I have an lj but I don't use it as often as I would like. I've been working on a 365 daily portrait project that has somewhat turned into a blog. So I'd like to have it elsewhere.
Once everything is pretty, I'll be happy. <3