the month of february.

I've taken for granted what it is to be loved. It has been many years since I have been genuinely loved, romantically of course. Last night he said to me, as he has said before " Let's Elope" I always respond with "No, no today." It isn't that I don't want to get married or be married to him. But if I am to be married one day, I want the whole kit 'n kaboodle, engagement and a wedding. Nothing big, just a small ceremony with our closest family and friends. In January when I found out I was pregnant, the first thing mom asked "Are you going to get married now? Because of the baby?" "No, of course not if I am going to get married I am going to because I feel in my heart it is true." I know this is true love. What I am having trouble understanding is why I cannot give my heart to him. Am I not ready? I know in the past I have been hurt greatly when I had my whole heart in the game, self preservation? I do know for sure, it's not fair for him. I have such a great deep ocean of love that he should be able to plunge headfirst into if he desires. I always stop him halfway.

After lights out last night, we talked as I'm sure most couples do before sleep. In the dark hours were souls can be bared without hesitation. He has been worrying about my well being since the miscarriage, I was stuck on go go go for almost a full two weeks taking care of everyone around me. Then the fight with mom. We talked a little about those things, and how my head is doing. I mentioned something about our kitten acting like a Baby Yak. I said "I want a baby yak." He said some things that I'll leave out because they might be embarrassing. Basically he's not able to make baby yaks.. ;) I had been waiting all day to ask this, it had been sitting on the edge of my tongue, I just hadn't the opportunity to bring it up without startling him. "Well then can we have a baby?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah, sure. We already done did once." Since the pregnancy had been a surprise, by how much I'm not really sure since we weren't really using protection. We had thrown the idea around a few times and decided to leave it up to if it happens it happens. I know that he wanted children from the time that we met, but like everyone when do you know you're ready? Just to be able to have that conversation and know that if it happens again it is "planned" and wanted.

Yesterday was two weeks since I passed our gummy bear. I still feel empty. Though sometimes I catch myself thinking about names, how I want decorate the nursery, birthing.. typical things I was thinking while pregnant like I'd never went throught the loss and everything is fine. Denial.

Today I was watching a music video Bright Eyes - First day of my life the image of the pregnant woman with the headphones on her belly brought me to tears. Just think if your first born had been a miscarriage, all the things you've seen, all the firsts, all the sleepless nights, the scribbled color crayon drawlings. Those are all things I'll never get the chance to experience. It definitely is tougher than I had ever thought and never expected I would have to experience. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, thirteen was the first age I actually remember saying "I want to be a mom someday." And I know that this one loss doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Just the way people say "Maybe next time." Or my personal favorite "Better luck next time." Like we just lost a baseball game. I know it's because it's a sensitive subject, they don't know what to say, how to comfort. And to be honest I've been in that postion before when a friend had a miscarriage a few months ago. But then I think to myself.. I would be 10w1d today. I wonder how my little one is growing. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I am going to start on antidepressants again. I am hoping that'll help me get through the process a little easier.