wednesday April 8th, 2009 just before 1am. mancub's phone kept receiving texts / phone calls. This had been going on for nearly two hours. I finally had enough and said "WHAT is so important that I need to be woken up repeatedly?" 1 of his friends was trying to get a hold of another friend, another of his friends was looking for vicodin and the 3rd person sells the vicodin. The fight wasn't really about much. Mainly everything just came to a head.. and some things were said that were taken wrong. "we're done." most importantly.
later that evening he brought up the fight. He said he didn't mean "we're done" in that way, just that we were done fighting. He then asked what I meant.. I told him "I don't know."
By Thursday 9th night I had it figured out. I'm done. I don't want any part of this relationship any longer. I believe it's best to end it. I didn't get to see him until monday 13th because of our work schedules. I had the boys over that day and didn't want to get into it. So I just waited it out another day. Tuesday he got home at 7pm and I just said it flat out "You aren't going to like this. I've had time to think about our fight last week and I believe it's best if we go our separate ways." He agreed saying that he's felt the same way for about he past month.
The next day (yesterday 15th) I went out to lunch with Carrie. When I returned home he informed me that his dad was going to take him driving and wanted to know if I had $2.50 he could borrow to get out to lakewood. I was kind of taken by surprise because I didn't think he would leave so quickly. I guess he truly does believe this should be over as well. He also said he would be back monday to switch the storage unit into his name and more than likely be moved out by the 30th of this month. wow.
with that.. I am single and now knocked up. heh. I'm not upset actually. We are so completely different it is nearly impossible to make it work. And I think if we both heal from the past few months, can return to our state of friendship that we both have wonderful things to offer. As a team we don't work, plain and simple. I don't plan to ask for child support or even any help. If he offers I will accept of course but I don't expect anything from him. I have accepted responsibility for my actions and truthfully I want this baby more than anything else right now.
Anyway.. last night I sent him a text asking if he got to drive. "no... I couldn't get a hold of my dad when I got here. now I'm drinking ... so no driving for me" The only way he can ever deal with life, it's problems and stress is with a bottle or drugs of some kind. This is one of the biggest reasons why I could no longer be with him. He will ALWAYS have issues with addiction. And I don't want a life around that.
Now I just wait for time to pass and see where life takes me.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, April 16, 2009
yep.
As of February 27th, 2009 my hcg levels (pregnancy hormones) had reached zero. Meaning the miscarriage was complete and my period should return soon. Which it did.. my last period was March 11th, 2009. I expected my next period to come around April 8th, 2009. It got to be the 10th and I had my suspecions. I woke Friday morning, took a test. Waited. Then after a few minutes - BINK "pregnant"! My inital thought was "REALLY!?" and I started laughing. My second thought was, what am I going to tell mancub?! I decided that it is best to wait it out until I am 12 weeks or so along to ensure everything is okay with the baby. So far I've told mom, carrie and a couple people at work. I am extremely excited and all I can hope is that this is meant to be! I scheduled my first appointment for May 5th, 2009, if all goes well I'll be nearly 8 weeks. And this little one is due around mid-december.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
the month of february.
I've taken for granted what it is to be loved. It has been many years since I have been genuinely loved, romantically of course. Last night he said to me, as he has said before " Let's Elope" I always respond with "No, no today." It isn't that I don't want to get married or be married to him. But if I am to be married one day, I want the whole kit 'n kaboodle, engagement and a wedding. Nothing big, just a small ceremony with our closest family and friends. In January when I found out I was pregnant, the first thing mom asked "Are you going to get married now? Because of the baby?" "No, of course not if I am going to get married I am going to because I feel in my heart it is true." I know this is true love. What I am having trouble understanding is why I cannot give my heart to him. Am I not ready? I know in the past I have been hurt greatly when I had my whole heart in the game, self preservation? I do know for sure, it's not fair for him. I have such a great deep ocean of love that he should be able to plunge headfirst into if he desires. I always stop him halfway.
After lights out last night, we talked as I'm sure most couples do before sleep. In the dark hours were souls can be bared without hesitation. He has been worrying about my well being since the miscarriage, I was stuck on go go go for almost a full two weeks taking care of everyone around me. Then the fight with mom. We talked a little about those things, and how my head is doing. I mentioned something about our kitten acting like a Baby Yak. I said "I want a baby yak." He said some things that I'll leave out because they might be embarrassing. Basically he's not able to make baby yaks.. ;) I had been waiting all day to ask this, it had been sitting on the edge of my tongue, I just hadn't the opportunity to bring it up without startling him. "Well then can we have a baby?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah, sure. We already done did once." Since the pregnancy had been a surprise, by how much I'm not really sure since we weren't really using protection. We had thrown the idea around a few times and decided to leave it up to if it happens it happens. I know that he wanted children from the time that we met, but like everyone when do you know you're ready? Just to be able to have that conversation and know that if it happens again it is "planned" and wanted.
Yesterday was two weeks since I passed our gummy bear. I still feel empty. Though sometimes I catch myself thinking about names, how I want decorate the nursery, birthing.. typical things I was thinking while pregnant like I'd never went throught the loss and everything is fine. Denial.
Today I was watching a music video Bright Eyes - First day of my life the image of the pregnant woman with the headphones on her belly brought me to tears. Just think if your first born had been a miscarriage, all the things you've seen, all the firsts, all the sleepless nights, the scribbled color crayon drawlings. Those are all things I'll never get the chance to experience. It definitely is tougher than I had ever thought and never expected I would have to experience. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, thirteen was the first age I actually remember saying "I want to be a mom someday." And I know that this one loss doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Just the way people say "Maybe next time." Or my personal favorite "Better luck next time." Like we just lost a baseball game. I know it's because it's a sensitive subject, they don't know what to say, how to comfort. And to be honest I've been in that postion before when a friend had a miscarriage a few months ago. But then I think to myself.. I would be 10w1d today. I wonder how my little one is growing. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I am going to start on antidepressants again. I am hoping that'll help me get through the process a little easier.
After lights out last night, we talked as I'm sure most couples do before sleep. In the dark hours were souls can be bared without hesitation. He has been worrying about my well being since the miscarriage, I was stuck on go go go for almost a full two weeks taking care of everyone around me. Then the fight with mom. We talked a little about those things, and how my head is doing. I mentioned something about our kitten acting like a Baby Yak. I said "I want a baby yak." He said some things that I'll leave out because they might be embarrassing. Basically he's not able to make baby yaks.. ;) I had been waiting all day to ask this, it had been sitting on the edge of my tongue, I just hadn't the opportunity to bring it up without startling him. "Well then can we have a baby?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah, sure. We already done did once." Since the pregnancy had been a surprise, by how much I'm not really sure since we weren't really using protection. We had thrown the idea around a few times and decided to leave it up to if it happens it happens. I know that he wanted children from the time that we met, but like everyone when do you know you're ready? Just to be able to have that conversation and know that if it happens again it is "planned" and wanted.
Yesterday was two weeks since I passed our gummy bear. I still feel empty. Though sometimes I catch myself thinking about names, how I want decorate the nursery, birthing.. typical things I was thinking while pregnant like I'd never went throught the loss and everything is fine. Denial.
Today I was watching a music video Bright Eyes - First day of my life the image of the pregnant woman with the headphones on her belly brought me to tears. Just think if your first born had been a miscarriage, all the things you've seen, all the firsts, all the sleepless nights, the scribbled color crayon drawlings. Those are all things I'll never get the chance to experience. It definitely is tougher than I had ever thought and never expected I would have to experience. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, thirteen was the first age I actually remember saying "I want to be a mom someday." And I know that this one loss doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Just the way people say "Maybe next time." Or my personal favorite "Better luck next time." Like we just lost a baseball game. I know it's because it's a sensitive subject, they don't know what to say, how to comfort. And to be honest I've been in that postion before when a friend had a miscarriage a few months ago. But then I think to myself.. I would be 10w1d today. I wonder how my little one is growing. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I am going to start on antidepressants again. I am hoping that'll help me get through the process a little easier.
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